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TO MARKET, TO MARKET

September 24, 1972 (J-303)

Runaway desk

Synopsis

In the middle of surgery on a two-star "fighting" general, Hawkeye and Trapper discover that the camp's supply of hydrocortisone has been exhausted. Black marketeers have been diverting truckloads of medical supplies before they even reach the M*A*S*H unit. The general pulls through, but a solution must be found to the hydrocortisone shortage.

Meanwhile, Henry is smitten with his newly acquired hundred-year-old oak desk, polishing it lovingly and trying in vain to keep everyone else's mitts off it. Hawkeye and Trapper ("H&T") coerce him into discussing the black market problem with General Hammond, but Henry has no luck there.

Radar comes to the rescue with the name of a black market contact -- Charlie Lee -- and a jeep so H&T can go to Seoul and meet with him. (Within seconds of their arrival, of course, the jeep is completely stripped.) Lee tells H&T that he has some hydrocortisone, but it's already been spoken for. If they can match the $10,000 offer, they can have it. Hawkeye ends up offering to trade Henry's "genuine American antique desk" for the medicine, and Lee agrees to take a look at this amazing desk. Posing as a South Korean general, he meets Henry, appraises the desk, and tells H&T that he'll send a truck to collect it at 0600 the next morning.

Frank, sensing that something shady is going on, follows H&T to Henry's office at 0500, where he runs into Margaret. H&T, who are having trouble getting the top off the desk so it will fit through the door, have to hide behind it while Frank and Margaret flirt with each other in the most nauseating manner possible. On his way to the supply tent for a quickie with Margaret, Frank locks the office door, unwittingly trapping H&T. They call Radar to unlock it, but when he can't find the right key, they ask him to go stall Lee's truck driver instead.

H&T make clever use of surgical instruments to unhinge and bring down the entire rear wall of Henry's office, leaving them free to slide the desk out, but they can't get it to the truck because Frank is there telling the driver to get lost. There ensues a cute scene where H&T, kneeling beside the covered desk as if they are praying, tell Frank they are celebrating "early Mass." Without Father Mulcahy.

Lee's truck driver leaves, but while Frank goes to wake up Henry, H&T arrange for a chopper pilot to airlift the desk to Seoul. After discovering that his desk and wall are missing, Henry gets to watch as his prized possession disappears into the sky.

In the tag scene, Lee personally delivers two hundred vials of hydrocortisone to H&T, while Henry wonders how to provide a believable explanation for the loss of the desk to his insurance company.

Quotes

Hawkeye (about the two-star general): Take away their skivvies and they all look like PFCs.

Henry (about his desk): I betcha don't know what kind of wood this is.
Radar: It's oak.
Henry: Nope, it's oak.

Frank: They're up to something. That general's aide -- what kind of a man wears wristwatches on his leg?

Trapper (after being woken by Hawkeye at 0500): I was just having....
Hawkeye: I don't care who you were having. Come on.

Frank: Do you know what I love most about you?
Margaret: Tell me.
Frank: Your lobes. They drive me wild!
Margaret: Oh, be wild, Frank, be wild!
...
Trapper: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Hawkeye: They may have turned me off permanently.

Hawkeye: We're locked in! How does a guy who's so bad with a needle always know right where to jab us?

Frank (seeing Hawkeye and Trapper kneeling beside the desk): What are you two doing?
Hawkeye: Early Mass.
Frank: Mass? (takes his hat off) Well...where's Father Mulcahy?
Trapper: We started without him.

Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, isn't that your desk?
Henry: Yeah. That's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry: I don't know what it's doing up there. It just keeps going up, up, up.
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place, I'm sure.

Henry: Hey, have you got a relative who's a general?
Lee: You know how it is, Colonel. We all look alike.

Pictures

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"Nakedidity"

Sadly, none.

Subjective Comments

Even though Mulcahy's not in it, I quite like this one. There are several hysterical moments, especially for McLean Stevenson, whose reactions to his AWOL wall and his airborne desk are classic I-don't-know-what's-going-on-but-I'll-just-have-to-accept-it Henry Blake. H&T having "early Mass" at the desk is another great bit.

Rating

3 out of 4 dogtags

Mulcahy Rating

0.5 out of 4 crosses -- He doesn't appear in this ep, but I'll grant half a point for a funny mention.

Credits

Written by Burt Styler
Directed by Michael O'Herlihy

Guest Stars

Jack Soo - Charlie Lee
Robert Ito - Lin
G. Wood - Gen. Hamilton Hammond (voice only)
Odessa Cleveland - Lt. Ginger Bayliss
John C. Johnson - truck driver